Okay so! I just got back from seeing 'Cars 2' with Kia, since I had been mad curious after hearing reviews and meaning to go. Was it a fun movie? Oh yeah, sure. There were many moments where I laughed, lots of times where it was exciting, and as always with Pixar movies the production values were sky-high. Was it Pixar's best? Er, no. I'd probably say it was their worst. Was it a bad movie? No, not at all. Pixar's worst is still pretty good. It was fun to watch. But...


Now, in the first Cars movie, there was a bit of the weirdness with how cars exist in such a universe, but that was easy to ignore because the characters were fun and the story was fun. Basic but well-imagined story of city boy gets his priorities straight by experiencing a simpler country life.

Not so with Cars 2. And now I must wall-of-text at you.

WHAT IS THIS UNIVERSE?! How does it function? We see Francesco and even Guido's parents, so, do cars have sex and make car babies? But then they mention that cars are manufactured with a certain make and model and engine, so they can't just be born that way! So does this mean married cars just go to a manufacturing plant and pick out the parts they want for a new baby car? Wouldn't they always just pick the best parts then? Unless it costs money for the best car parts! IS THIS UNIVERSE SUDDENLY CAR GATACA?! GATACAR! Do cars age? Or does someone just decide they want a grizzled old police vehicle? What about trains, planes and boats! Are they different races, or different species? Do the cars manufacture them or do they make themselves? Are they enslaved to the cars?! They didn't seem to be the case. THERE IS A POPE CAR. IN FACT, THERE IS A POPE CAR IN A POPE CAR. Does this mean there is car Catholicism? CARTHOLICISM? Is there car JESUS? Could there be a car Jesus if there were no cars 2000 years ago? Was car Jesus a cart pulled by a donkey? If there's a car tending a zen garden, is there car Buddha? Mater got a vampire disguise! WHAT DO CAR VAMPIRES DO? DO THEY SUCK OUT YOUR OIL? OMFG THAT SOUNDS EVEN MORE HORRIFYING THAN ACTUAL VAMPIRES. Is "leaking oil" a euphemism for peeing, since Mater went to the car bathroom? Does this mean every time my car leaks oil it's taking a piss? They mention dinosaurs in this movie, because of fossil fuels! But all the other animals in this universe are little vehicles! SO WERE THE DINOSAURS ACTUAL DINOSAURS, OR WERE THEY MECHASAURUS REX? If so, how can they possibly leave behind fossils for fossil fuels?! If cars are manufactured in a plant and there are vehicle-animals, does that mean that somewhere there is a tiny plant MANUFACTURING TINY CAR BUGS? And car rabbits? OMFG WHAT. WAS UP. WITH THAT FRENCH CAR THAT HAD HER EYES IN HER HEADLIGHTS INSTEAD OF HER WINDSHIELD. I know that was probably supposed to be a joke about Chevron cars BUT THAT WAS GENUINELY HORRIFYING. Is that the equivalent of taking out your eyeballs AND STICKING THEM IN YOUR NOSE? WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. Speaking of horror, HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE WAS DARK IN A LOT OF ASPECTS. We don't just see cars get injured racing or in an accident...they get blown up or tortured or CRUSHED INTO A CUBE. THAT. WAS. HORRIFYING. It's like if you showed a human being getting torn in half EXCEPT SOMEHOW WORSE BECAUSE IT'S A CUTE CAR WITH BIG OL' EYES ON THE WINDSHIELD. Oh and wait LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT EVIL PLOT THERE. So these cars with really crappy engines and makes want to discredit alternative fuels and make everyone run on gasoline. So it's like 1) Make everyone use gasoline, WHICH THEY ALREADY DO, 2) ??? 3) PROFIT! HOW DOES THIS PLAN WORK? Even if everyone used gasoline forever, WHICH THEY ALREADY DO THAT'S WHY THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND ALTERNATIVE FUELS, YOU WOULD STILL BE SUCKY-ASS CARS WITH SUCKY-ASS ENGINES! How does being rich keep anyone from laughing at you, or make them bow before you? YOU WILL STILL BE A CAR WITH A BAD ENGINE. By the way, does this imply CAR RACISM? Or I guess it would be car ableism? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR PLAN, EVIL CARS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN PINTOS; I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ANY OF THE MAKES. I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR UNIVERSE, CARS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE



It's just a movie about anthropomorhic cars, Lynx, you should really just relax.