I finished reading Paradise Lost for Great Books yesterday, and as such feel the sudden urge to parody the living crap out of it, probably because it deserves to get the living crap parodied out of it. Maybe I'll feel better about the book after puppetizing it. (Is that even a verb?)

So without further ado, Jerry the Frog Ramblings presents the first Mini Puppet Theatre...and by that, of course, we mean there are no puppets involved.

If you have no clue what Paradise Lost is about, or more importantly, if you're extremely religiously sensitive, you should probably stop reading now.

~~~~~Paradise Lost~~~~~

Milton: The Bible goes Greek epic! This book is about the war in heaven and how Adam and Eve screwed up the human race and were kicked out of Paradise.

Milton: Damn, I just gave away the ending.

Satan: Hell sucks. Stupid God! And stupid Jesus!

Fallen Angels: We should do something besides sitting here writhing in agony.

Satan: So supposedly there's this new world with new creatures that God made. We should go corrupt them!

Satan: So who's going to go across the perilous gorge of elemental chaos to check out the new world?

Fallen Angels: *CRICKET NOISE*

Satan: Wusses.

Satan: Here I am, flying across a bottomless pit of chaos...hmm, so this is where Bush got his Iraq war plans from.

Sin: I'm your daughter, Satan!

Death: And I'm the incestuous offspring of you and your daughter! Feed me!

Satan: WTF?

Death: I said feed me, dammit.

Satan: Fine, lemme go to this new world and fetch you some tasty lil' souls.

God: Hmm, looks like Satan's being a sore loser.

Jesus: You rock, God.

Angels: God rocks!

God: But because humans are morons, they're still going to fall into temptation and suffer and die. Looks like someone will have to redeem them.

Angels: *CRICKET NOISE*

Jesus: Dude, I'll do it.

God: Righty-o. Jesus rocks!

Angels: Jesus rocks!

Satan: I'm a master of disguise!

Uriel: What do you want? I'm busy running the sun.

Satan: I need directions to this new world with cutesy little humans that God loves so very very muchly, so I can...um...see how cute they are!

Uriel: Go down this galaxy; it's the third planet on the left. You can't miss it.

Satan: Oh hey, it's Paradise. And now I'm an ugly bird! Oh look, here come those two humans...

Adam: Isn't life wonderful here in this Paradise, oh Eve my submissive and dutiful wife?

Eve: It sure is, Adam. I can't imagine anything more wonderful than you lording it over me here in this glorious Paradise.

Adam: You're hot.

Eve: *TeeHee!*

Adam: If we want to stay happy, we better NOT EAT from the TREE OF KNOWLEDGE like GOD COMMANDED or else we will DIE, whatever that is.

Eve: Indeed we shouldn't, and it's a good thing no evil fallen angels bent on revenge have overheard us discussing this very important matter.

Satan: Why hello, opportunity. Would you like to come in? And yet, I have doubts...

Satan's Shoulder Angel: You shouldn't do it. Maybe God will still forgive you if you get on your hands and knees and beg.

Satan's Shoulder Devil: Not do it?! You're Satan, idiot!

Satan's Shoulder Angel: Eh, he's got a point.

Uriel: Yo Gabriel, this totally shady dude was asking for directions to Paradise earlier.

Gabriel: 'K, I'll buff up the guard around the place.

Satan: Except now I'm a toad talking in Eve's ear while she sleeps!

Gabriel: Dude! Did you NOT hear me when I said I was buffing up the guard?!

Satan: I wasn't doin' nuthin', officer, honest...

Gabriel: What, hell wasn't good enough for you?

Satan: Considering I was trying to seize the throne in Heaven...no.

Gabriel: Get lost or face my heavenly angel wrath.

Eve: Adam, I had a nightmare last night. Tell me cutesy things, please?

Adam: Aww, did my sweet widdle Evie-wumpkins have a bad dweam? Super-Adam will protect her...

Gabriel: Hey Adam. I have important Greek epics to relate to you.

Adam: Alright then. Eve, you go tend gardens or whatever while us MEN talk about important MANLY things.

Eve: Okay, honey-munchkins.

Gabriel: So, there was this big war in heaven, right? And Satan and all his angels and God and all his angels threw rocks and sticks at each other. And then Satan whipped out these WMDs on us. And then Jesus totally flies out in this kickass chariot and whoops all their asses to hell.

Adam: I thought Michael was the one that whooped their asses to hell.

Gabriel: Dude, that's the Catholic version. Don't believe a word of that.

Adam: Oh, okay. So how does all this relate to us?

Gabriel: Satan's probably gonna try and corrupt you as revenge for him getting kicked out of heaven.

Adam: Oh, okay. And how do the universe and cosmos work?

Gabriel: Um...we can't tell you.

Adam: You mean you don't know?

Gabriel: Shut up!

Adam: You're just using this to fill space, aren't you Milton?

Milton: Shut up!

Gabriel: Also...gay angel sex!

Adam: Sweet.

Gabriel: Right...I'm going back to doing a shoddy job of guarding Paradise now. So don't say we didn't warn you!

Adam: So Eve: the shiny ol' angel said we should always watch out for shady guys and obey God. Oh, but you obey me.

Eve: Oh, okay. Can I go tend flowers by myself where I'm certain to be alone and vulnerable to shady guys that want me to disobey God?

Adam: No.

Eve: You never let me do anything! *WHINEMOANCOMPLAIN*

Adam: Fine, get lost.

Serpent: Hey, Eve. You're really hot.

Eve: Why thank you, I...oh hey, you can talk.

Serpent: I certainly can. And it's all thanks to this certain tree God told you not to eat from?

Eve: WTF?

Serpent: I SAID you're hot.

Eve: You seem reasonable to me. I'll have forbidden fruit fillet!

Eve: Oops, shouldn't have done that. I know, I'll give some to Adam!

Adam: You shouldn't have done that! But since I love you SOOO much and have no faults other than I think you're hotter than God, I'm going to eat some too.

Eve: Sucker.

Adam: Hmm, so we've eaten this forbidden fruit. Let's shag!

Adam & Eve: *ANGRY SEX*

Adam: Great, now we're going to suffer and die. Thanks a lot, bitch.

Eve: Dick!

Adam: Whore!

Eve: Pig!

Adam & Eve: *BLAME GAME*

Satan: Ha ha, I rock! The other fallen angels are gonna love me for this!

Sin & Death: Go us! Party all night long!

Satan: So, fallen angels...do I not rock?

Fallen Angels: You suck! We all turned into serpents!

Satan: Crap.

Jesus: Hey, Adam and Eve. What's hangin'?

Adam: I didn't eat no forbidden fruit!

Jesus: What are those crumbs on your face, then?

Adam: It's Eve's fault!

Eve: It's the snake's fault!

Jesus: Well, you're all screwed anyway. We did warn you!

Adam: Crap, we're screwed. What should we do?

Eve: Commit seppuku!

Adam: Um, no.

Eve: Birth control!

Adam: That's even worse!

Jesus: Hey again, God. You know, those humans are really sorry. Maybe you should cut them some slack.

God: Yeah, okay, fine. But they're still getting kicked out of Paradise.

Michael: Hey Adam. I'm here to show you what will happen in the future.

Adam: Cool, I didn't know that was allowed.

Michael: First, your sons are going to kill each other. Then more people will kill each other. There will be wars, famine, pestilence, disease, distrust, betrayal, terror and the Bush administration.

Adam: This sucks hardcore!

Michael: Then God's going to wipe out most of the world with a flood. But after that, people will still suck. By the way, the whole flood thing makes a great children's story.

Adam: ARGH!

Michael: But then Jesus is going to come along and redeem humanity! And you'll all get an even shinier Paradise in the end.

Adam: Wow, that sounds great! What must I do?

Michael: Eat your vitamins, go to bed early, don't watch R-rated movies, and don't let women do anything except stay at home and have babies.

Adam: Suddenly I am filled with a resounding happiness! Thanks Jesus!

Jesus: No prob.

Michael: Now scram. Paradise'll do just fine without you troublemakers, thank you.

Adam: This is all your fault, Eve!

Eve: Your wife divorced you before you wrote this, didn't she, Milton?

Milton: Shut up!

~~~~~The End~~~~~

So there you have it: a handily condensed version of Paradise Lost. There may be a few typos, like that's anything new. ;) It's frightening how easy it is to make fun of classic literature.

Operator status: Way too busy.

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Drawing: Up to page 30 in thumbnails! About the same on Wolf's Rain fanart.

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