I feel like something important in my life is falling to pieces, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't really pinpoint what it is...perhaps it's several things. And perhaps it's for the better in the long run. (Geez, think I'm being vague enough?...)

I can't tell whether my art is affecting my life, or my life is affecting my art, or both. But I feel like while I was once able to devote myself entirely to a project, I can't do that as easily anymore. When I could once show my art to everybody without fear of criticism, nearly everything I draw or write now feels amateur, whether or not I'm told so. I feel like I'm stuck in an endless trail of practice and improvement instead of producing finished products. For the first time, I feel the pressure to produce for others instead of just for myself.

I think my main problem is that I don't have a large project that I can immerse myself in. Ever since like middle school, I've always found something that I can work on that I'm completely passionate about...whether a comic, or a story, or an animation, or whatever. That seems to have disappeared within the last few months...basically since I finished my RSOM 4 entry. The FOD characters have very suddenly and unexpectedly stopped talking to me; it's like I barely even know them anymore. I haven't had inspiration to work on puppet shows for nearly half a year; a large part of me wants to give it up entirely. However, I know just to up and quit because "I don't feel like it anymore" is cheap, stupid and unfair to my fans. Heck, from a purely practical standpoint, the website looks good on a resume (assuming I ever fix up the design...)

I want to be completely passionate about a project...do something that I'll want to work on no matter what; come hell or high water. Something that I'd work on at home, at work, during class, in the restaurant, anywhere I can, just because I can't wait to. Something that gets me up in the middle of the night because I'm so excited about it. Something where you couldn't pull me away to eat, instead of now, where I'm so easily distracted it's not even funny. Even though working on "Snow Phoenix" at the end of high school just about drove me insane and led to more than one nervous breakdown, there was something immensely satisfying about sitting down at the beginning of the day with so much work to do.

As it is, I feel like I'm scrounging around at every available idea, searching for something that can completely captivate me. I don't like it when distractions become preferred over a project. Or maybe this desire for a long-term project is some way for me to cop out of dealing with human relationships? I'm not sure.

Sorry if that made no sense...that was just something that had been bothering me lately. I suddenly feel very old. T_T Perhaps this is something that I need to overcome, or something that will pass on its own in time...we'll have to see.

At least Chatty McYaksalot and her 15 boyfriends aren't being loud and obnoxious. Yet.

Spiderman 2 puppet show completion status: 20% About two-thirds of the way through the script. Will probably have to make about 20 extra puppets...shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Maya PLE comprehension status: 15% Haven't practiced since last time. :P